100 Funny Christmas Quotes: Short Holiday Sayings

Funny Christmas Quotes: Christmas is the season of joy. But if you’re not in a festive mood yet, this list of 100 funny Christmas quotes should give you a few Santa-worthy belly laughs.

Share these funny Christmas quotes with your friends and family to spread Christmas joy. You can also use them as clever Christmas Instagram captions.

These funny Christmas quotes will surely bring good tidings to you and your family and help get you into the holiday spirit.

100 Funny Christmas Quotes

Funny Christmas quotes from movies and TV shows
Funny Christmas quotes from movies and TV shows

A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day. — Melanie White

There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right? — Conan O’Brien

One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales. — Grace Kriley

A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing. — Unknown

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist, it would be necessary to invent it. – Katharine Whitehorn

It’s that special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cell phones. — Jimmy Kimmel

Mistletoe,’ said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry’s head. He jumped out from under it. ‘Good thinking,’ said Luna seriously. ‘It’s often infested with nargles. — J.K. Rowling

You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger. — Robert Paul

There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them. — P.J. O’Rourk

I learned from drinking that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.” — Louis C.K.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of the list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox. — Anthony Jeselnik

Short funny Christmas quotes

short Funny Christmas Quotes
short Funny Christmas Quotes

At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional. — Robert Godden

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. — George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea — visit people only once a year. — Victor Borge

Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip. — Gary Allen, “Let’s Be Naughty (And Save Santa the Trip)

Nothing says holidays like a cheese log. — Ellen DeGeneres

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. — Andy Borowitz

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. — Johnny Carson

Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip. — Gary Allan

Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.— Charles M. Schulz

It’s easier to feel a little more spiritual with a few bucks in your pocket. — Craig Ferguson

I love Christmas. I received a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange them. — Henny Youngman

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. — Victor Borge

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. — George Carlin

I don’t know what to say, but it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery. — National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard. — Andy Borowitz

I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin. — Winston Spear

You can’t fool me—there ain’t no Sanity Clause! — Chico Marx

Nothing says holidays like a cheese log. — Ellen Degeneres

My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge. — Melanie White

Christmas is such a carefree, low-pressure time—that’s one of the things I love about it. — Stephen King

White Christmas’ is the ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ of Christmas songs. ― Stewart Stafford

We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corn,, and syrup. — Elf

Funny Christmas quotes from movies and TV shows

100 Funny Christmas Quotes
100 Funny Christmas Quotes

Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave you for dead? — Clark Griswold, “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”

I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery. — Ellen Griswold, “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”

How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What’s next, rabies shots for the Easter bunny? — Santa Claus, “Home Alone”

I’m the Holiday Armadillo, your part “Jewish” friend. — Ross Geller, “Friends”

I’m getting presents in the New World Order! Mrs. Claus said so! — Billy, “Billy and Mandy Save Christmas”

Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets Christmas. — Dwight Schrute, “The Office”

The tradition of Festivus begins with the Airing of Grievances. I’ve got a lot of problems with you people! Now, you’re going to hear about it. — Frank Costanza, “Seinfeld”

Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. — Michael Scott, “The Office”

I never eat December snowflakes. I always wait until January. — Lucy Van Pelt, “A Charlie Brown Christmas”

We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup. — Buddy the Elf, “Elf”

Now you listen to me, young lady. Even if we’re horribly mangled, there’ll be no sad faces on Christmas. — The Grinch, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”

I’ve had a really lousy Christmas. You’ve just managed to kill my New Year’s. If you come back on Easter, you can burn down my apartment. — Lucy, “While You Were Sleeping.”

You smell like beef and cheese. You don’t smell like Santa. — Buddy the Elf, “Elf”

Son of a NUTCRACKER! — Buddy the Elf, “Elf”

I can’t get the antlers glued to this little guy. We tried Crazy Glue, but it didn’t work. — Props man, “Scrooged”

Funny Christmas Quotes
Funny Christmas Quotes

I want a nice slice of Christmas Pam. Side of candy Pams. And perhaps some Pam chops with mint. — Michael Scott, “The Office”

At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year. — Frank Costanza, “Seinfeld”

Just remember, Cassie, disappointment is a present, too. — Santa, “Billy and Mandy Save Christmas”

This place reminds me of Santa’s workshop. Except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they want to hurt me. — Buddy the Elf, “Elf”

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! And, when I wake up, I’m getting a CAT scan! — Scott Calvin, “The Santa Claus”

Santa has lactose intolerance, and it gives him horrible gas pains. Do you want to see Santa farting down everybody’s chimney? — George, “The Ref”

You’re skipping Christmas! Isn’t that against the law? — Spike Frohmeyer, “Christmas with the Kranks”

Stay away from those things. They’re reindeer. You don’t know where they’ve been. They all look like they’ve got keylime disease. — Scott Calvin, “The Santa Claus”

Most people don’t even know that a candy cane represents a shepherd’s crook, which I assure you does not taste like peppermint.”
— Dwight Schrute, “The Office”

Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa. — Bart Simpson, “The Simpsons”

Christmas is just so stressful … with the lists and the lines and the dancing girls at TV Town Song Room. — Nick Miller, “New Girl”

I have my own holiday tradition. It’s like the 12 days of Christmas, but it’s one day with 12 bottles of wine. — Stevie Budd, “Schitt’s Creek”

What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. — Dwight Schrute, “The Office”

I’ve always wanted to save Christmas with a vampire sidekick ever since I was a little boy. — Grim, “Billy and Mandy Save Christmas”

It’s just nice to meet another human who shares my affinity for elf culture. — Buddy the Elf, “Elf”

We’re your worst nightmare. Elves with attitude. — E.L.F.S Leader, “The Santa Clause”

You’re a reindeer. Here’s your motivation: Your name is Rudolph, you’re a freak with a red nose, and no one likes you. Then, one day, Santa picks you and you save Christmas. — The Grinch, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”

I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn’t. — Kevin Malone, “The Office”

Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry, your party’s so lame. — Michael Scott, “The Office”

Keep the change, ya filthy animal. — Gangster Johnny, “Home Alone”

Christmas isn’t about Santa or Jesus. It’s about the workplace. — Michael Scott, “The Office”

Earlier today, this office needed a Santa. And then it needed a second Santa. And then it needed a Jesus. Now it needs a Michael. — Michael Scott, “The Office”